the cia museum may or may not exist

The CIA can neither confirm nor deny the fact that they have a museum.

Well, that’s not true. They do have one. But you can’t go there. Because it’s in the CIA compound and you aren’t allowed in.

So what’s the point of the museum?! I mean, seriously! I would museum that place like crazy!

Sure it’s all online for me to see, but that’s not nearly as much fun as being there!

Apparently, the CIA also has a gift shop. Not IN the museum. Just there. For you to buy stuff.

Now, I know I’m not even close to being qualified to deal with national secrets, but I mean, couldn’t you just move all the stuff from one spot to another spot maybe outside of the CIA building? Like, just outside of the compound and put the gift shop out there, too?

I mean, if all this stuff CAN be seen, why not let people see it? And put the gift shop at the end of the museum? THAT is how you get people. You make them exit through the gift shop.

Kids love junk like that. Like baby’s first Escape & Evasion Survival Kit. Or a Civil Air Transport Notepad/Diary. Or maybe a stuffed William J. Donovan Desk so the kids can cuddle at night with memories of memos from World War II.

I know they’re all about discretion, but should the museum be one of them? I would love a selfie with a Dynazoom. Post that on Instagram #CIA #secrets #centralintelligenceagenselfie #lookoutimaspy

I wonder if they need a curator. How sweet would that job be?! Nobody can go there, so what do I have to do? Dust a few things? Sweep once a week? Run around in a U-2 helmet and scare the pants off of spies from other planets?

Oh my…I want that job so bad right now!

I’m off to check the employment opportunities at the CIA.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

powder my beverage

Nestle has decided to make a machine that will give you all the nutrients you need with the push of a button. It’s being researched now at the NIHS. No, not the National Institute for Highway Safety. That’s just silly. It’s the Nestle Institute of Health Sciences. (Yes. They have an institute.)

I wonder if that was there when they invented Nesquik (previously known as Nestle Quik)?

Scientist 1: “Milk isn’t chocolaty enough.”

Scientist 2: “I agree. And it’s not pink enough. What could we do to make it pinker?”

Scientist 3: “Let’s make a chocolate powder to add to it! And a strawberry powder! And it will be healthier!”

Scientist 1: “That’s not a bad idea! Wait…who are you? You don’t work here! And why do you have a giant ‘N’ on your necklace?”

Scientist 2: (Grabbing his lab coat and hat) “It’s a bunny!

Quik Bunny: “You can’t catch me! I’m Quik!”

Then history was made with tastier milk and safer speeds on the highway.

This new product will, in theory, scan your body and let you know what nutrients you’re missing. Then it will make a powder of some sort, because that’s what Nestle does, that you add to your milk to give you a healthy day!

They call it “Iron Man.” I have no idea why. I mean, it’s slightly more like a Replicator from Star Trek. It doesn’t create a suit of armor to fight evil with, it creates a food to eat.

Well, not food. Powder. Because the Quik Bunny is now in charge of Nestle and EVERY idea has to involve powder.

His new jingle is, “If you can’t add it to milk, and you can’t make it Quik, YOU’RE FIRED because you make me sick!”

He’s pretty ruthless. Seriously, you can’t powder ruth, so it’s just completely gone.

I’m off to milk my powder.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sense of smell-touch

Apparently there are olfactory sensors on your skin. So when you stink after a vigorous workout at the gym, your whole body smells how funky you are!

If you are interested in smelling the pineapple at the store, just start rubbing it on your arm.

Or if you smell some cookies and want to get a good whiff, just go to the counter of the bakery and start rubbing the cookies on your stomach.

It’s not weird at all if you do that because that’s how it works.

Maybe not EXACTLY like that, but you get the idea. I guess a scientist in Germany decided to look at what your skin’s sense of smell could actually do, so he got some skin cells and some different scents and got to smelling!

Turns out sandalwood worked wonders! The scent helped the skin to heal!

Well, not sandalwood exactly, but Sandalore, which is used in sandalwood candles.

Sandalore! That’s fun to say. It sounds like a mythical city off the coast of a warm island where everybody wears sandals.

Mythical Leader: “Welcome to Sandalore, my friend! You found our hidden city in the sea! Here is your strappy, breathable footwear!”

Me: “I much prefer sneakers.”

Mythical Leader: “YOU ARE BANISHED FOREVER! Go find Shangri-La!”

I guess getting a sandalwood candle won’t heal all your wounds, though. They used concentrations about 1,000 times stronger than your average candle.

But maybe next time I’m sick, I’ll buy 1,000 sandalwood candles and light them all in my apartment. I’m sure I’ll be healthy in minutes!

Unless the smoke causes an issue. They didn’t do a study on that.

I’m off to buy out Yankee Candle.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

optimus prime press pass

The Associated Press is a large news company. Whenever you see “AP” at the beginning of an article, you know that the Associated Press wrote it.

They do stories about everything and everywhere. Then other news people can print them for a fee. So they can PAY the reporters doing the news about everything and everywhere! At least, I have heard that OTHER people who write stuff get paid monies. I get paid in occasional compliments from my mother. The only person who reads this. Hi mom.

Well! They are going to start letting robots do some of the work! That’s right! They’ve hired robots to take care of reporting the news.

So instead of “Human Interest” stories, we’ll see “Robot Interest” stories. Like stories about how child star Johnny 5 managed his life so well that he now runs most of the Segway tours across America.

What they are actually doing is letting the robots just get data from very things like business numbers and baseball scores and report it immediately so humans can spend more time doing the in-depth reporting about business numbers and baseball scores.

Now this might sound all fine and spiffy-dandy, but not if you listen to Louis Del Monte! Who, sadly, has nothing to do with fruit.

He says that robots will take over the Earth by 2045! (Surely due to excellent reporting.) Machines will become smarter than humans and realize that humans are getting in the way of building more robots (to write the news), so they’ll make us into subservient cyborgs!

Why? They’ll see us as a threat because we can create computer viruses. Though, couldn’t an evil robot just make a computer virus as well? So…aren’t they a threat to themselves?

Yes. So they’ll have these giant robot wars! The world will become a Michael Bay movie! Michael Bay will become a cyborg that can keep making movies with no plot and lots of explosions! And robots will see them because of robot nostalgia! Michael Bay will rule the world until a small group of independent film-makers/computer virus-writers make a movie that touches the human heart and destroys the robot’s mainframe! They’ll call it The Humanator! It will be rated PG-13! For strong language and some violence!

I’m off to take a Segway tour of the AP.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

do you exist

I read a really interesting study about the likelihood of your existence. And mine, too. All of us!

This isn’t all existential. This is more like math. One guy said that the chances of you being born are about one in 400 trillion. That is, the odds of your parents meeting and then you being born at a particular time and all that stuff.

But! One scientist actually looked at it even FURTHER! He looked at MORE odds. Like the chances of your grandparents and great grandparents and every parent ever meeting! The fact that they met and then met again and got married and had children and so on and so on and so on!

He said, “The odds that you exist at all are basically zero.”

WHOA. Did your mind just get blown? It did.

So do we really exist?

Ha! I’m kidding. You do. I’m going to say that I actually exist because I’m here eating pistachios, getting salt on my keyboard, drinking coffee, pretending that my pet dragon is napping in the corner. That means I exist.

But the odds of me having this moment are so small that I should really treasure it! And so should you!

I know…this is getting very “uplifting.” But seriously! Think about it! You’re impossible! Yet, you’re here! Pretty cool, right?!

I promise I won’t try to be all positive for a long time. If you miss the craziness, just read the last post about being angry at mangos. It’s much more entertaining.

But, if you’re feeling a little grumbly, this might make you feel a little more giggly.

In a completely unrelated study that I made up, the odds of your Netflix freezing up during an important part of Breaking Bad are about 100% Totally Going To Happen.

You might be a miracle, but your internet speed is not.

I’m off to exist by not existing.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fruit cutter 2: mangry

I thought I could cut fruit. I really, really did. I was prancing in a beautiful world full or cut pineapples and watermelons! Everybody was smiling and happy and dancing! I thought I could handle anything!

That overconfidence was my downfall. Into a descent of fruit salad fury.

First, the mango. The mango got me mangry. I tried a few different cutting techniques. Wanna know what you should do with a mango? NOTHING. It’s mostly pit! Or, whatever is in it! It’s only worth a small bite of fruit!

If you never had one, here’s an easy way to try it. Get a 2x4. Preferably a tougher wood. Like a Grey Ironback. Then take one banana and spread it around the 2x4 so you have a thin layer of fruit.

Then try to eat it. THAT is a mango.

After the mango mangling, I thought I would have some fun with fruit that I already loved. Bananas, strawberries, and pineapple. I thought, “I’ll make a fancy fruit salad!”

NOPE! Don’t do it! Cutting a strawberry is silly! You can just eat it as is. There is no reason to cut it into slices. You get, like, two slices. Don’t waste your time.

And bananas just go smoosh. The end.

See, you have to cut pineapples and watermelons because they have a thick shell. But bananas? NO! It’s not natural to cut them! You don’t have to!

The same with strawberries! It’s against nature!

You don’t want to fight nature, do you?

NO. YOU DON’T.

I’m off to eat fruit the way it is meant to be eaten at dictated by nature.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

nothing to hold flu back

A professor in Wisconsin has created a deadly flu virus. YEP! He did! For funsies!

He took the H1N1 virus that caused so many problems a few years ago and “genetically manipulated” it. He wanted to make it so the human immune system had no chance of stopping it.

Because that’s what people do in Wisconsin. You know, when they’re not leading the nation in cheese production, visiting the House on the Rock, or playing at one of their uniquely themed mini golf courses.

Isn’t this the beginning of some sort of apocalyptic thriller movie? Or the latest Planet of the Apes movie?

Whatever it is, who does that?!

Professor 1: “I love scansion. Don’t you? I find it STRESSES some people out, but that’s just SILLY-ble! Ha!”

Professor 2: “I made a flu that humans can’t fight.”

Professor 1: “Wow. This conversation did NOT go the way I was thinking. Like, AT ALL.”

Professor 2: “Sorry, I was trying to think of a flu pun, but nothing came up.”

Professor 1: “Well, it rhymes with ‘you,’ so any phrase with ‘you’ in it should work.”

Professor 2: “How about, ‘Flu had me at hello?’ Since, you know, you don’t have an immunity to this flu. It just takes you over.”

Professor 1: “It’s not the best I’ve heard, but…wait, what is going on here?!”

And the rest is history. Well, not history yet. It will be history after Bruce Willis goes back in time to stop the virus. Or something. I don’t think I’ve ever watched 12 Monkeys, but I think that’s what happens.

Or is that Looper?

Bruce! Stay in one year! Sheesh!

Anyway, hopefully this professor just wanted to find a way to fight the unfightable flu.

I’m off to look at verse with or without flu.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

it’s knit woven

I was looking at my shirts the other day and wondering why they are different. This might be common knowledge to most people, I don’t know. But if it is NOT, then you are in for a treat!

I know my button-up shirts are made of cotton. The tag tells me that. I ALSO know that my t-shirts are made of cotton. Right! Because of the magical tag! It’s tagical!

But! The button-ups are not nearly as comfy as the t-shirts! They’re not whooshy! The button-up shirts are very stiff and don’t move around as easily and I couldn’t figure out why.

I mean, they’re both 100% cotton! Completely cotton! There is nothing but cotton on these shirts! I bet the tags and buttons are made of cotton! Because they are 100% COTTON.

So why the difference? Well…this took some intense online research. I couldn’t figure out the best way to search for it because NOTHING was coming up. Sometimes I confoogle google.

Finally, I thought of underwear. Yes! Underwear saved the day! I remembered that Hanes has different kinds of boxers. Some are like a t-shirt and some are like a button-up. So I went to their website to find out what they called them.

Wovens and knits. THAT is the difference! It has to do with HOW they connect the cotton! Knits can stretch a lot more. Making them much whooshier. Woven cottons are made to nonwhoosh.

Now you know. And now I know. I still don’t know why they don’t make knit button-up shirts. Knit-shirts are so much more comfortable! They move with me. And if you know me, I gots crazy moves.

I’m like an octopus with a beat.

You have an iPod? I have a cephaloPod.

Boom to the loom. Take THAT cotton.

I’m off to knit and weave.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

taxes and pose

Have you heard about this “yoga tax” that could happen in D.C.? This is crazy. They want to add a tax to gyms so it will cost more to be healthy. As if trying to be healthy isn’t hard enough, now they want to make it more expensive!

I kinda understand taxes. I know that stuff costs money. Roads need to be fixed and the government needs money for that. I know that spending isn’t always done well, but it’s still needed.

So, taxes on gases makes sense because gas fuels the cars and the cars mess up the roads and the roads need to get fixed. I know that’s very simplified and idealist, but the basic premise is logical, right? But what’s the point of taxing exercise? It’s not like the government does anything to fix the gym equipment!

I HATE going to the gym. I go, but it’s a battle EVERY SINGLE TIME. It’s so hard to force myself to go. There is NOTHING fun about the gym or exercise. Sitting at home and eating and watching TV IS fun.

I go to the gym because I’m told it’s good for me. I don’t come home feeling better about myself or healthy. I come home tired and sweaty. Then I eat and watch TV, because, as stated earlier, THAT IS FUN.

For years, there have been lots of newsy things saying that there’s an “obesity epidemic.” Exercise COULD be helpful against that, right?

SO WHY MAKE IT HARDER ON PEOPLE.

That’s like telling people that it’s healthier to eat fruits and vegetables, but we’re going to add fists to them and they will punch you before you eat them.

Or like telling people that you need to go to the dentist, but you’re going to have to hold electric eels with pet snakes during the checkup.

Or like tell you that there’s going to be a new Transformers movie.

So. Much. Hurt.

Let’s hope they realize this is a bad idea. Not just the tax, all of these ideas.

I’m off to king pigeon pose.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fruit cutter

I’m a fruit cutter and I’m proud to admit it!

I’ve been testing some new fruits lately, but I’m insanely lazy. I have no desire to cook or prepare food. I don’t know why people would want to do that. It takes so much time!

You know what you could be doing? SOMETHING FUN.

Well, I’ve been testing out my cutting skills on watermelons and pineapples. And guess what! I don’t mind it! I’m shocked that I’ve done this more than once. Seriously. Making food kills me.

Literally. I die every single time. Luckily, I come back to life right after it happens. It’s very strange. In my head, I imagine that everybody else hates it as much as I do.

Of course, some people tell me that I think differently than most people. I don’t believe them.

So yes! I cut large shelled fruit! Well…it’s not a shell. Peel? Rind, I guess? Why are there so many names for the fruit skin?

Like, there are orange and banana peels. For some reason, the watermelon has a “rind.” And it looks like the pineapple just calls it the skin.

Can’t we just have one name for all this stuff? Like, Fruit Shield? Or Fruit Wall? Or Annoying Part Keeping Me From Sweetness?

How did people even find out there was fruit inside? I mean, maybe a watermelon fell and broke open. But what is it about a pineapple that says, “Hey! Open me up for a sweet treat! I know I kinda look like a porcupine/hedgehog thing with funky hair, but I promise that you can touch me and not die!”

I still don’t completely trust them. When cutting a pineapple, I never know if they will just attack. It could happen! Pineapples could just be sitting there…waiting…and when we least expect it…Pina Colada Assault! Here’s manganese in your face!

That’s why I shoot my pineapples with an arrow first. From a safe distance. In the supermarket. Then bring it home.

I won’t be caught unawares. Sadly, I’m not allowed in most supermarkets anymore.

I’m off to skin the apple of pine.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj